I don't know what else to do.

The last few days a cloud of despair loomed.

And I'm not going to pretend it didn't, 

or that I'm the only one who felt it.

I'm not.

This week battles were fought.

Battles were lost.

And I'm not pretending any one of us walked away from those battles unscathed.

I'm sharing what makes me happy and I'm sorry if that makes you feel sad or mad.

But know I don't do it out of ignorance. 

 I'm not sweeping these last three days under the rug.

I just don't know what else to do.

 I'm  trying to remember the happy things that have walked the brim of hell with me.

 so that I can walk it again.

Because not matter how you view these past few days,

You felt it.

The hellish sorrow and pain.

Heavens arms around the breaking and broken.

If you haven't felt heavens arms yet,

I swear they're coming. 

I swear they are.

I'm sorry if you disagree with my method of coping.

But,

 I don't know what else to do.

 I know depression is real.

I know it's easier said than done.

Sometimes it simply can't be done.

But I want to be happy.

and maybe that selfish and rude of me.

I don't know what else to do,

but remember,

What makes me happy:

This song.

When I ride my horse bareback, I never have to tell him what to do. He just feels it.

Forgiveness.

I left my Tevas outside for three weeks and they didn't get stolen.

Smiling at strangers.

The fact that my hearts a blank canvas because I've never been in love.

My rhythm of breathing when I run.

When he says my name.. he says it like it's delicate and precious.

The smell of dirt after it rains.

French fries.

Temple work and Temple workers.

Seeing Aspen leaves change colors and watching Pine trees remain evergreen.

Mr. Darcy.

also this song.

I have a clear view from my bedroom window of 2/8 peaks I've climbed.

My 8 year old hand prints on my driveway.

My older brothers smile.

The feeling of long grass beneath my bare feet. 

Cathedral windows and the stories they are able to portray in color when the light reaches them.

Change.

Helping people see their potential.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to do.

or feel.

or say.

I just want to be happy.

I swear I'll always remember Terik. and Bryce. and Devin. and Hunter. and Johnny. and all the others.

I'll remember them happy.

I'll remember them.