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Fussing and bustling .
Twisting and turning.
Coming and leaving.
              and leaving.
Cussing and crying.

Flashing photos of a night I wish never was.

Ooing and aweing.
Listening and apologizing.
Tearing and smearing.
             and smearing.
             and leaving.
Ice creaming and hiding.

Dreaming of a machine that would help me disappear.

Bumping,
Pumping,
Churning,
Dropping,
Whirling,
Damming,
Failing,
And heart aching.

I don't know why It's so shocking.
But it is.

Here I am.

If you really knew me.

you'd know each word I speak is impulsive.
I don't think enough.
You'd know that when you said "you trust me, right?"
The only thing that registered was. . .
Lock the gates.

If you really knew me.

You'd know that I'm not afraid of being wanted like I say,
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

If you really knew me.

You'd know that every time I walk alone I'm happier.
Because every time I do,
It's Gods hand that I find.

If you really knew me.

You'd know I've kissed twice.
And the first time was on the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You'd know,
 I felt more holding his hand for 3.2 seconds than I did both times I kissed combined.

If you really knew me.

You'd know I cut 10 Inches of my hair
Because,
I wanted a fresh start, not a new hair style.

You'd know I cry At night because my mom kept that 10 inches and it scares me.
Because,
I feel like the past mistakes I made are waiting for me downstairs.

If you really knew me.

You'd know my name is Sara Elizabeth Brown and when I google search my name,
Head stones of people who died in 1849 come up.

If you really knew me,

perhaps I'd know myself that much better.

My passion

Over used.

Often confused with false love.

Passion.

The defining,

driving,

desire that makes us human.

I am passionate.

About the curl of his lips when he laughs.

I am passionate.

About the bend in his brow when he hears my heart.

I am passionate.

About his perfect marble teeth and the words they shape.

I am passionate.

Because I know if I said I love you as many times as I felt it,

he wouldn't believe it was true.

I am passionate about you.

Because, it's a step up disguised as a step down from I love you.

I remember you broke our promise.

I remember the first jump I took to save you.

I remember icy water stabbing my soul.

I remember swimming with your 'close to dead' heart in my arms.

I remember you asked me why. 

I remember my weakness's dragged us underneath at least seven times.

I remember the sound of our lungs heaving for life when we surfaced.

I remember your eyes never left the sky.

I remember your arms reached to God and asked him why.

I remember your face when we made it to shore.

I remember the first breath you took increased the color in your face almost instantly.

I remember the first shape your lips made was thank you.

and the second was goodbye. 

I remember you began to walk away from my limp body and I asked you why.

I remember your eyebrows furrowed in annoyance for my lack of strength.

I remember you offered me your hand and then pulled it away before I could grab it.

I remember I got up two days later.

I remember my lips stayed blue for a long time after that and everyone always asked me why.

I remember when I caught up to you, we swore never to go back to that deathly lake.

I remember you were alive inside and out.

I remember you forgot that promise we made just three weeks later.

I remember watching you go back to that place and God asked you why. 

I remember I forgot to take the second jump.

I remember you're still floating and freezing in that lake.

I remember you asked me to go away.

I remember asking you why.

I remember it's rained  4/7 days since then.

I remember you never cried.

I remember that every day it rained I did.

I remember you felt them fall on your cheeks. 

and you're still asking me why.

"Why do you cry?"

"Don't you remember?"

It's because..
 You wont.

Thats why.

BEST 2/3

Red Wood Worries

.. .. .. . . . . . . .

12:34am and we can't stop the cherry tears.

 May 30th and we already have frost slowing our pulse.

79 degrees Fahrenheit and we're turning into a heap of cold red.

Might be seasonal, 

But we're too sensitive.

12:43am and a trail of bloody sadness stains our faces.

Nine minutes and we're pumping slower each time.

Cried about lost chances to a boy who has been drowning since age 12.

drove us home because eyes don't have windshield wipers.

and his hands, he claimed to dirty for ours.

There's three other hearts in the car.

and all you hear is the one that stopped.

3:05pm and we're still here.

November 8th and our arteries are frozen.

47 degrees Fahrenheit and the blizzard spreads on.

Might be seasonal,

But it doesn't matter. 

It's too late to thaw the ice in our veins.

and it's only going to get colder.

3:50 and theres no sign of life in our eyes.

Forty five minutes and we're beating slower with each passing *pum bom*

Poured our soul to a man who let the cup tip over and spill into the thirsty earth.

We drove him home because he was to afraid to open his eyes.

You'd be wise to keep them shut.

and our hands are too cold for his.

and after hearing our song,

he knows it too.

There's seven thrumming hearts down stairs and 10 outside.

and we can't let theirs go.

Downgrade To Skinned Knees, Please.

"Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." 

Psalms 46:10

Be still.

The world is moving so quickly.

Where did the skinned knees on every kid go?

Weren't those "in" when I was their age?

They're on the "Flappy Bird"

But dont worry,

When you press restart

it will be as if the bird never flew.

you will get a "fresh" avatar.

So, don't worry.

My childhood is gone.

I spend my time deliberating College essays.

Maybe,

 I don't know what the hardest thing I've gone through is.

Maybe,

I don't know how to cram that much emotion into a limited amount of words.

Maybe,

I'm too out of date for an update.

Maybe,

I'd like a down grade instead.

To that field I knew for 8 1/2 years.

To the barn We were going to run away too.

To my tree house with no walls or roof, but it had carpet.

To a sliver dog that could climb trees.

To the milk carton boats I raced.

To birds that didn't clip their own wings.

To my kitten Beanie Baby.

To hot air balloons every New years.

It's not like you can put your childhood on your college application anyway.

They don't care that the barn, 

Is gone.

The field,

Well, a big white house is there now.

The silver dog,

is dead.

All the races,

were lost.

That kitten Beanie Baby,

was left on a plane.

That my tree house,

was ripped out. down to the last root.

As for the hot air balloons,

 they never made it more than a few feet before all hope was lost.

and they were brought down.