Untitled No.1

My older brother used to practice controlling his heart rate.

He got so good at it nurses would come running to his aid because it would stop.

He could stop it.

I have no control.

my hearts so wild it makes plans on the weekend with out my knowing.

So unpredictable i never know what time it will come home.

My heart misses curfew a lot.

I listen to it because i like to feel my choices.

and even though it's got us in trouble here and there.

and there.

and there.

here we are trying to do whats right.

I'm sorry my bloods stained all over you and me.

it's just that,

My hearts so wild.

and maybe thats because you leave my veins hotter than normal.

and I'm feeling.

I'm sorry because my hearts smeared on more than just you. You. You.

My hearts made a mess of my mind.

My mind, is trying to take over. over. over.

I'm not over him.

My hearts torn in 4+ places and i forgot where i hid a piece.

 like always I'm afraid.

 but no amount of trust could make that fear fully dissipate.

its not trust you and me have.

its bigger than that.

its more. more. more.

You're more than the rest.

but they're still there.

You and me, 

we're robin-egg blue twice a week.

We're inaudible i love you's and almost kisses against a grey wall.

We've been driving together in God's playground since 3rd grade.

you and me,

 we're something else.

i'll always put you first and you'll always tell me you want to hear my favorite song again.

and again. and again. and again i'll remember why I love you.

I think i'm going to start crying now because this. . .

This didn't start out being about you and me.

It started out being about me and him. him. him.

Me and Him. 

we're confused, callused hands that are trying something new .

we're finding courage to love in a church parking lot.

Me and him are an up opened puzzle, 

but we know we fit together.

we're afraid to open it because then we'd have to start it and its 1,000 piece puzzle and pieces are hard to match and we don't have that long and what if we loose one and...and... and...

he's too afraid to touch me.

my walls too high.

my heart too wild.

too fleeting,

too, two, to.

i'm ready to feel my walls crumble.

My hearts making a mess and theres blood on you and him to prove it.

mess.

my mess.

I'm a mess.

I'm trying to be,

strong.

like my older brother.

  control.

 my heart.

I'm trying,

 to call nurses with my pulse.

I'm trying to feel.

I'm trying to.

I am.