And I Want It.

I don't know what love is.

I don't know how to let someone "love" me.

I know what it is like to "love" someone.

But "to be loved" is a phrase that I can never manage to hear in time.

maybe I am supposed to feel it instead..

but how can I feel it when my hands have been tied for years?

love is this emotion that is meant to open your eyes and knock you off you feet,

send you hurdling into a dreamy whirlwind of rose petals and Ooey gooey lips.

I want that stupid whirlwind everyone talks about.

 it swirls up with patterns of sparkling gold flakes hinted with this pinky sunset color that lures every fiber of my heart.

It looks to delicious and free.

But I am standing on a peak of isolation... and regret.

Watching that tornado spin all over the baby blue valley of happy smiles and perfect dance moves.

its come my way once




And.
I.
Wanted.
It.
But.
I.
Was.
To.
Afraid.
So.
I.
Ran.





For a moment it chased after me.

and I guess... thats how I got up here.

on this grayish green mountain

wrists bound by cords of morning glory and piano music.


It's partially ironic and somewhat idiotic...

but I'm OBSESSED with...

LOVE.

The idea of it fills my veins with it's cancerous idea that one day I could experience the joy
of loving someone who loves me completely.

When I find my way down this rocky ledge,

I imagine the sappy whirlwind we call love will contain..

honey sweet lips.

Sweaty palms on a saturday night.

Smokey campfire kisses.

Slow dancing to French music whose words we don't know but emotion we mirror.

Leisurely hiking to magical places just so you can kiss me with no ones eyes
 lingering on our misjudged figures.

CD exchanging

Gas wasting up the canyon so I can hold your hand while we drive under a night of ancient stars


Lazy library days where we sit back to back and read other peoples imaginations.

Bike rides to the land where no one knows our names and no one cares because
 they are also incased in the same whirlwind as us.

Keeping the windows rolled down when it rains so we can touch droplets that fell from the same cloud that loomed over me while I stood bound by my own hands... and drowning in my blood on that crumbling peak of despair.

I wouldn't mind being sucked into that vortex.

So..

 I Love, love.

Even though I ran

and even though I don't understand a single thread of it.

and it scares me more than death...

I love it.

Maybe some day



I

will
come
down
from
this
peak
but
If
I
jumped
it
would
be....
                                                                                               

       

Suicide.

let me take my time.