Choices & Accountability

I don't have much choice in the matter.
The matter that tears at my heart.
That makes church unbearable.

We've been choosing to 'try' for two years now.
24+ failures.
1 worse than the rest.

I am caught in a line at Costco where I am constantly pushed to the back.
I've been waiting longer than them.

I am jealous.

I hate that I am jealous and I hate because I am jealous.
jealous of the miracle.
hateful of my body.

I hear people talk about 'Planned parenthood' and about how it's 'Her choice'
and here I am.
falling on deaf ears, with no choice.

I was always taught to own anything and everything I did.
To do what was right.
What is right?

There seems to be so much conflict over something that there never should be conflict over.
'Thou shall not murder'

I believe we came to Earth to learn humility.
To give our agency back to God.
To learn to listen to his promptings.
After all... Who would know better?

And now there are those that are choosing their agency before they choose to take accountability for their actions.

She has a choice.
A choice to have consensual sex.
Theres always a chance.

For every action there is a consequence.
postive or negative.
But somehow this is the exception for being accountable to your decision.

Facing the consequence of 9 months and labor.
I wish I had the choice.
To carry for 9 months and be a mother.
To see my husband as a father.
to turn our empty guest room into a nursery.

I wish there were not so many adoption scams.
that more women carried their babies to full term.
Maybe then I could have a choice.

My heart aches.
I feel physical pain for what I can't choose.
Every night I dream about what it would be like to be a Mother.

Bath, story, prayer and a kiss good night.
Breast feeding, feeling a baby kick inside of my body.
my baby.
Changing diapers and knowing what its like to be uncomfortably pregnant.
Long walks trying to loose 'baby weight'
Feeling that kind of love for a little human.
New born photos, embarrassing blow outs.
Wondering if it's a boy or girl.
Telling my parents there are going to be Grandparents.

I don't know if, or when I will have the honor of being a Mother.

But I know I am loved.
I know this is not a punishment for any sin
I know God has not forsaken me.
I know Christ has been with me throughout this journey.
I know I have been spiritually carried.

I know that I am not to judge.
and I also know that God will.

I am frustrated
Heart Broken every single time I see a pregnancy announcement.
Absolutely devastated when I see 'pro choice' comments.
I am aware I am not the only women who feels  this way.

I am waiting. trying not to give up.
Hanging by a thread of hope...
That one day I will have the chance to be a Mother.

Proud

if i would have known that I was going to be happily married at 19 to the man of my dreams.
If I could have seen their intent and the fire in my heart sooner.
I would have walked away sooner, from the sandman and from fear.

But i'm still proud.
Proud I showed 300 people its okay to admit you're wrong. its okay to stumble but you need to be brave. Don't be afraid. he's not in the crowd any who and you'll have your chance. Iw ould have told myself to speak up, sooner.

Proud I had to courage to put on a beautiful dress and leave an outwardly beautiful, inside a cowardly boy. Proud I spoke my mind and stood.

And Im sorry too.
tears shed over people who don't matter now.
friendships traded for new fleeting... nothing.

If i could go back I would have been braver. I would have played more card games with my Dad and stayed in the woods a little longer. I would let my heart fall and learn. I wouldn't have locked it up. and maybe it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't lock it up. He's the only one who didn't seam to notice the bars around her. after their first kiss, neither did she. Neither  do I.

I'm still proud because I stood.
I spoke up. I went left when everyone else went right, ran a little faster than most but I'm happy and thats what counts. I'm free and I love my life.
I'm proud because despite the flames, tears and clouded fear, I made it.

I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, and hopefully soon, a Mother.

I'll teach my children to speak their minds, to be kind and most importantly to be brave and love God.