Proud

if i would have known that I was going to be happily married at 19 to the man of my dreams.
If I could have seen their intent and the fire in my heart sooner.
I would have walked away sooner, from the sandman and from fear.

But i'm still proud.
Proud I showed 300 people its okay to admit you're wrong. its okay to stumble but you need to be brave. Don't be afraid. he's not in the crowd any who and you'll have your chance. Iw ould have told myself to speak up, sooner.

Proud I had to courage to put on a beautiful dress and leave an outwardly beautiful, inside a cowardly boy. Proud I spoke my mind and stood.

And Im sorry too.
tears shed over people who don't matter now.
friendships traded for new fleeting... nothing.

If i could go back I would have been braver. I would have played more card games with my Dad and stayed in the woods a little longer. I would let my heart fall and learn. I wouldn't have locked it up. and maybe it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't lock it up. He's the only one who didn't seam to notice the bars around her. after their first kiss, neither did she. Neither  do I.

I'm still proud because I stood.
I spoke up. I went left when everyone else went right, ran a little faster than most but I'm happy and thats what counts. I'm free and I love my life.
I'm proud because despite the flames, tears and clouded fear, I made it.

I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, and hopefully soon, a Mother.

I'll teach my children to speak their minds, to be kind and most importantly to be brave and love God.

always.

they tell you it will be difficult.

and not for any particular reason it ends up being

a fight.

not against each other but against the unexpected and against the inevitable.

a fight for freedom and  fight 5 year old chains that do not own you.

They do not own Him.
They do not own you.

we've been given everything and it only makes sense to give it all back.
In the fight.

you've got to work for a lot of things in this life.
Many of them aren't worth it.
But this one is more deserving than any other thing were going to work for.
It is everything.

Everyone falls down but none of that matters.
where are you going to go from here?
That is what matters.
If you choose to fight everyday for the rest of your life
ill fight with you.
and He will too.

Choose your love
love your choice.

I do.
Always.

I know you have chains and they've been there so long
but i know they're close to breaking
i know i love you.

He's not going to stop.
Neither am I.
Neither are you.

You and I, My love...
Because you are you
you have chains.
but who doesn't?

I dont understand a lot of the details of this life but I know i love you more than life itself.

deep breaths.
were doing great.

smile through the past and its okay if a tear slips every now and then

Ranting or not

i know we can do this.
whatever it takes i'll be there.

Always

Too Raw.

Do you know what it's like to be the new girl. 

The girl who has been bullied in the past but now.. She's just not accepted.

 Her choices are her own and she's happy with who she is. 

She doesn't wear the hottest trends. 

thats all they are to her.

 Trends.

 Fleeting phases that never leave you feeling cool enough.

 Do you know what its like to be left time and time again because you're not pretty enough to be in the photo. 

She never wanted to be in the photo she just wanted to feel like you cared. 

She does not live by man complements

if she did she would die of their criticism.

 She knows who she is and says it like it is. 

Too blunt too raw at times.

 and maybe thats why she doesn't fit in.

 She wears her emotions on her sleeves and doesn't pretend to be anyone she isn't. Thats too frightening for most 

 were taught to only speak what people want to hear and always sit up straight.

 People don't like the truth, 

sometimes neither does she,

 but she speaks it.

 To be pitty invited and second choice second call. 

To never really feel like your wanted at a party.. more like a filler. 

Do you know what its like to want the best for people and always be there when they need you, 

to ask again and again how are you..

 having everyones backs.

 now you're loosing your patience. 

No one said this was simple.

 Honest people are not meant for this place of insecurity and lust for praise. 

Do you know what its like to want to badly to be accepted by people who can't accept themselves. Impossible like running in the ocean.

 you're trying but you'll never beat the tide that pushes and pulls you. 

Do you know what that's like? 

I do. 

branches of 2013

The sooner you realize:

All those branches blurred with the stars at 50mph, were reaching out to warn you.

They didn't mean to be beautiful.

It just happened like that,

and God, he was trying to speak to you through what you hold closest.

and you took it as a sign for good.

Didn't you see how bent those tying trees were?

Bent because you went too fast

down

down

down

that starry sky.

their golden tears followed the wind of your choice.

and all you did was go

quicker

quicker

quicker

How long did you expect them to trail behind?

did you even know that

with each one of the four rubber tires spinning faster and faster

you crushed the Hand of God.

He was trying to slow you down.

But how could you?

His arms wound tight around you like a boa constrictors body forcing all life out of its prey.

and she drove.

not you.

you, although unaware, were breathing your last breaths

while she thought that you were just experiencing your very first

she tried to see.

it was so incredibly good of her.

but red lights mean stop.

but she saw no red 

only the silhouette of what she assumed was her friend living for the first time.

all the stars above us made it easier.

it made me forget that to the leafs of god,

I was not 

Jarvis

blue water
white bed
windows that are blocked by nothing and show how big this world is and how good God is.

only you and me.

First kiss seems so long ago.

as of yesterday its been a year.

I never let anyone kiss me like that before
and other than 3 exceptions.. at all
you looked like a memory and tasted like all things new and real and
oh the potential

i'm not going to do all the things i planned on
but thats ok.

we met at a dance
we were stricken over sticky fingers and bowling and twilight
we kissed. out of breath and out of our minds crazy about each other.
we spoke said i love you a little past curfew
we were sealed in the house of the lord 249 days later.

now its 370 days in and i never loved anyone more than i love you.

wavy hair and big blue eyes
a smile that our children better have
a foundation that God lives. That our family is forever. That trials bring us closer to God and each other. That plans change and that a wonderful thing.

were little. happy. the two of us.

blue water and a balcony just for you and me.
hydrangea flowers and 40 hour road trips.
one kitten who thinks she's a dog
a wedding so perfect if there weren't photographs i would have thought it was a dream

a husband that loves me so unconditionally and truly
not sure how i qualified for such a man
but God is good. and he knows what i need

I love being in love with my best friend.

I still remember

She asked for sand.

and he promised her the world. 

Now he's gone. 

And all she has left of him are things he left on accident. 

Untitled No.1

My older brother used to practice controlling his heart rate.

He got so good at it nurses would come running to his aid because it would stop.

He could stop it.

I have no control.

my hearts so wild it makes plans on the weekend with out my knowing.

So unpredictable i never know what time it will come home.

My heart misses curfew a lot.

I listen to it because i like to feel my choices.

and even though it's got us in trouble here and there.

and there.

and there.

here we are trying to do whats right.

I'm sorry my bloods stained all over you and me.

it's just that,

My hearts so wild.

and maybe thats because you leave my veins hotter than normal.

and I'm feeling.

I'm sorry because my hearts smeared on more than just you. You. You.

My hearts made a mess of my mind.

My mind, is trying to take over. over. over.

I'm not over him.

My hearts torn in 4+ places and i forgot where i hid a piece.

 like always I'm afraid.

 but no amount of trust could make that fear fully dissipate.

its not trust you and me have.

its bigger than that.

its more. more. more.

You're more than the rest.

but they're still there.

You and me, 

we're robin-egg blue twice a week.

We're inaudible i love you's and almost kisses against a grey wall.

We've been driving together in God's playground since 3rd grade.

you and me,

 we're something else.

i'll always put you first and you'll always tell me you want to hear my favorite song again.

and again. and again. and again i'll remember why I love you.

I think i'm going to start crying now because this. . .

This didn't start out being about you and me.

It started out being about me and him. him. him.

Me and Him. 

we're confused, callused hands that are trying something new .

we're finding courage to love in a church parking lot.

Me and him are an up opened puzzle, 

but we know we fit together.

we're afraid to open it because then we'd have to start it and its 1,000 piece puzzle and pieces are hard to match and we don't have that long and what if we loose one and...and... and...

he's too afraid to touch me.

my walls too high.

my heart too wild.

too fleeting,

too, two, to.

i'm ready to feel my walls crumble.

My hearts making a mess and theres blood on you and him to prove it.

mess.

my mess.

I'm a mess.

I'm trying to be,

strong.

like my older brother.

  control.

 my heart.

I'm trying,

 to call nurses with my pulse.

I'm trying to feel.

I'm trying to.

I am.