Choices & Accountability

I don't have much choice in the matter.
The matter that tears at my heart.
That makes church unbearable.

We've been choosing to 'try' for two years now.
24+ failures.
1 worse than the rest.

I am caught in a line at Costco where I am constantly pushed to the back.
I've been waiting longer than them.

I am jealous.

I hate that I am jealous and I hate because I am jealous.
jealous of the miracle.
hateful of my body.

I hear people talk about 'Planned parenthood' and about how it's 'Her choice'
and here I am.
falling on deaf ears, with no choice.

I was always taught to own anything and everything I did.
To do what was right.
What is right?

There seems to be so much conflict over something that there never should be conflict over.
'Thou shall not murder'

I believe we came to Earth to learn humility.
To give our agency back to God.
To learn to listen to his promptings.
After all... Who would know better?

And now there are those that are choosing their agency before they choose to take accountability for their actions.

She has a choice.
A choice to have consensual sex.
Theres always a chance.

For every action there is a consequence.
postive or negative.
But somehow this is the exception for being accountable to your decision.

Facing the consequence of 9 months and labor.
I wish I had the choice.
To carry for 9 months and be a mother.
To see my husband as a father.
to turn our empty guest room into a nursery.

I wish there were not so many adoption scams.
that more women carried their babies to full term.
Maybe then I could have a choice.

My heart aches.
I feel physical pain for what I can't choose.
Every night I dream about what it would be like to be a Mother.

Bath, story, prayer and a kiss good night.
Breast feeding, feeling a baby kick inside of my body.
my baby.
Changing diapers and knowing what its like to be uncomfortably pregnant.
Long walks trying to loose 'baby weight'
Feeling that kind of love for a little human.
New born photos, embarrassing blow outs.
Wondering if it's a boy or girl.
Telling my parents there are going to be Grandparents.

I don't know if, or when I will have the honor of being a Mother.

But I know I am loved.
I know this is not a punishment for any sin
I know God has not forsaken me.
I know Christ has been with me throughout this journey.
I know I have been spiritually carried.

I know that I am not to judge.
and I also know that God will.

I am frustrated
Heart Broken every single time I see a pregnancy announcement.
Absolutely devastated when I see 'pro choice' comments.
I am aware I am not the only women who feels  this way.

I am waiting. trying not to give up.
Hanging by a thread of hope...
That one day I will have the chance to be a Mother.

Proud

if i would have known that I was going to be happily married at 19 to the man of my dreams.
If I could have seen their intent and the fire in my heart sooner.
I would have walked away sooner, from the sandman and from fear.

But i'm still proud.
Proud I showed 300 people its okay to admit you're wrong. its okay to stumble but you need to be brave. Don't be afraid. he's not in the crowd any who and you'll have your chance. Iw ould have told myself to speak up, sooner.

Proud I had to courage to put on a beautiful dress and leave an outwardly beautiful, inside a cowardly boy. Proud I spoke my mind and stood.

And Im sorry too.
tears shed over people who don't matter now.
friendships traded for new fleeting... nothing.

If i could go back I would have been braver. I would have played more card games with my Dad and stayed in the woods a little longer. I would let my heart fall and learn. I wouldn't have locked it up. and maybe it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't lock it up. He's the only one who didn't seam to notice the bars around her. after their first kiss, neither did she. Neither  do I.

I'm still proud because I stood.
I spoke up. I went left when everyone else went right, ran a little faster than most but I'm happy and thats what counts. I'm free and I love my life.
I'm proud because despite the flames, tears and clouded fear, I made it.

I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, and hopefully soon, a Mother.

I'll teach my children to speak their minds, to be kind and most importantly to be brave and love God.

always.

they tell you it will be difficult.

and not for any particular reason it ends up being

a fight.

not against each other but against the unexpected and against the inevitable.

a fight for freedom and  fight 5 year old chains that do not own you.

They do not own Him.
They do not own you.

we've been given everything and it only makes sense to give it all back.
In the fight.

you've got to work for a lot of things in this life.
Many of them aren't worth it.
But this one is more deserving than any other thing were going to work for.
It is everything.

Everyone falls down but none of that matters.
where are you going to go from here?
That is what matters.
If you choose to fight everyday for the rest of your life
ill fight with you.
and He will too.

Choose your love
love your choice.

I do.
Always.

I know you have chains and they've been there so long
but i know they're close to breaking
i know i love you.

He's not going to stop.
Neither am I.
Neither are you.

You and I, My love...
Because you are you
you have chains.
but who doesn't?

I dont understand a lot of the details of this life but I know i love you more than life itself.

deep breaths.
were doing great.

smile through the past and its okay if a tear slips every now and then

Ranting or not

i know we can do this.
whatever it takes i'll be there.

Always

Too Raw.

Do you know what it's like to be the new girl. 

The girl who has been bullied in the past but now.. She's just not accepted.

 Her choices are her own and she's happy with who she is. 

She doesn't wear the hottest trends. 

thats all they are to her.

 Trends.

 Fleeting phases that never leave you feeling cool enough.

 Do you know what its like to be left time and time again because you're not pretty enough to be in the photo. 

She never wanted to be in the photo she just wanted to feel like you cared. 

She does not live by man complements

if she did she would die of their criticism.

 She knows who she is and says it like it is. 

Too blunt too raw at times.

 and maybe thats why she doesn't fit in.

 She wears her emotions on her sleeves and doesn't pretend to be anyone she isn't. Thats too frightening for most 

 were taught to only speak what people want to hear and always sit up straight.

 People don't like the truth, 

sometimes neither does she,

 but she speaks it.

 To be pitty invited and second choice second call. 

To never really feel like your wanted at a party.. more like a filler. 

Do you know what its like to want the best for people and always be there when they need you, 

to ask again and again how are you..

 having everyones backs.

 now you're loosing your patience. 

No one said this was simple.

 Honest people are not meant for this place of insecurity and lust for praise. 

Do you know what its like to want to badly to be accepted by people who can't accept themselves. Impossible like running in the ocean.

 you're trying but you'll never beat the tide that pushes and pulls you. 

Do you know what that's like? 

I do. 

branches of 2013

The sooner you realize:

All those branches blurred with the stars at 50mph, were reaching out to warn you.

They didn't mean to be beautiful.

It just happened like that,

and God, he was trying to speak to you through what you hold closest.

and you took it as a sign for good.

Didn't you see how bent those tying trees were?

Bent because you went too fast

down

down

down

that starry sky.

their golden tears followed the wind of your choice.

and all you did was go

quicker

quicker

quicker

How long did you expect them to trail behind?

did you even know that

with each one of the four rubber tires spinning faster and faster

you crushed the Hand of God.

He was trying to slow you down.

But how could you?

His arms wound tight around you like a boa constrictors body forcing all life out of its prey.

and she drove.

not you.

you, although unaware, were breathing your last breaths

while she thought that you were just experiencing your very first

she tried to see.

it was so incredibly good of her.

but red lights mean stop.

but she saw no red 

only the silhouette of what she assumed was her friend living for the first time.

all the stars above us made it easier.

it made me forget that to the leafs of god,

I was not 

Jarvis

blue water
white bed
windows that are blocked by nothing and show how big this world is and how good God is.

only you and me.

First kiss seems so long ago.

as of yesterday its been a year.

I never let anyone kiss me like that before
and other than 3 exceptions.. at all
you looked like a memory and tasted like all things new and real and
oh the potential

i'm not going to do all the things i planned on
but thats ok.

we met at a dance
we were stricken over sticky fingers and bowling and twilight
we kissed. out of breath and out of our minds crazy about each other.
we spoke said i love you a little past curfew
we were sealed in the house of the lord 249 days later.

now its 370 days in and i never loved anyone more than i love you.

wavy hair and big blue eyes
a smile that our children better have
a foundation that God lives. That our family is forever. That trials bring us closer to God and each other. That plans change and that a wonderful thing.

were little. happy. the two of us.

blue water and a balcony just for you and me.
hydrangea flowers and 40 hour road trips.
one kitten who thinks she's a dog
a wedding so perfect if there weren't photographs i would have thought it was a dream

a husband that loves me so unconditionally and truly
not sure how i qualified for such a man
but God is good. and he knows what i need

I love being in love with my best friend.

I still remember

She asked for sand.

and he promised her the world. 

Now he's gone. 

And all she has left of him are things he left on accident. 

Untitled No.1

My older brother used to practice controlling his heart rate.

He got so good at it nurses would come running to his aid because it would stop.

He could stop it.

I have no control.

my hearts so wild it makes plans on the weekend with out my knowing.

So unpredictable i never know what time it will come home.

My heart misses curfew a lot.

I listen to it because i like to feel my choices.

and even though it's got us in trouble here and there.

and there.

and there.

here we are trying to do whats right.

I'm sorry my bloods stained all over you and me.

it's just that,

My hearts so wild.

and maybe thats because you leave my veins hotter than normal.

and I'm feeling.

I'm sorry because my hearts smeared on more than just you. You. You.

My hearts made a mess of my mind.

My mind, is trying to take over. over. over.

I'm not over him.

My hearts torn in 4+ places and i forgot where i hid a piece.

 like always I'm afraid.

 but no amount of trust could make that fear fully dissipate.

its not trust you and me have.

its bigger than that.

its more. more. more.

You're more than the rest.

but they're still there.

You and me, 

we're robin-egg blue twice a week.

We're inaudible i love you's and almost kisses against a grey wall.

We've been driving together in God's playground since 3rd grade.

you and me,

 we're something else.

i'll always put you first and you'll always tell me you want to hear my favorite song again.

and again. and again. and again i'll remember why I love you.

I think i'm going to start crying now because this. . .

This didn't start out being about you and me.

It started out being about me and him. him. him.

Me and Him. 

we're confused, callused hands that are trying something new .

we're finding courage to love in a church parking lot.

Me and him are an up opened puzzle, 

but we know we fit together.

we're afraid to open it because then we'd have to start it and its 1,000 piece puzzle and pieces are hard to match and we don't have that long and what if we loose one and...and... and...

he's too afraid to touch me.

my walls too high.

my heart too wild.

too fleeting,

too, two, to.

i'm ready to feel my walls crumble.

My hearts making a mess and theres blood on you and him to prove it.

mess.

my mess.

I'm a mess.

I'm trying to be,

strong.

like my older brother.

  control.

 my heart.

I'm trying,

 to call nurses with my pulse.

I'm trying to feel.

I'm trying to.

I am.

7,8,10,11,12,13,14,15,16

Why was 17 afraid of 7?

 I'll give you a hint.

It is not because 7,8,9.

It didn't.

Close.

17 was afraid of 7 because,

 7,8,10 and 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 and 15 and 16.

17 was afraid of 7 because 7,8 her friends.

17 was terrified because 17 knew she was next.

10.

10 wasn't afraid.

10 did not know 7.

10 was writing with a white crayon on a black sheet of paper.

10 remembers being able to snap out of it after she saw the fear in her teachers face.

10 asked her teacher for her black sheet back and  exchanged it for a pink and purple one instead. 

10 remembers it made her teacher much happier to hold the pink paper than it did to hold the black one.

10 felt better for a while after that.

maybe it was because 10's alarm clock radio was stuck on K-LOVE.

maybe it was because 10 didn't know she was the beginning of a massacre.  

but  7,8,10 

12.

12 always threw a curve ball during sunday school. she stumped teachers and designated class leaders.

12 had been taught by the last 2 years that 7 wasn't as scary with the closet light on and Jack Johnson as background music. 

12 thought she had real answers when the teacher just wanted her to say pray.

12 didn't know how real prayer is.

12 was searching for relief.

12 didn't know how to describe 7 but she recognized it.

12 didn't realize she needed help or how to get it.

12 was never great at facing reality.

but  7,8,10 and 11 and 12 and eventually 13.

14.

14 was somehow thinner than 13.

14 wore a mask to hide the black and white she began feeling 4 years ago.

14 didn't know 33 & 35 were trying to help.

14 was glazed over.

14 was momentarily saved by beautiful eyes and a parachute.

14 danced a little lighter that night and one more after that.

and 14 thought things got better from then on.

But 14 was still dammed because 7,8,10 and 11 and 12 and 13 and 14 too, 

exactly one month after she though she had been saved from 7.
Thats when it gobbled her up.

16.

16 freed her soul for a record amount of time. 

for nine months 16 lived.

16 was very afraid of 7

because 7,8 two 15's that summer.

but this time was different because 16 knew what street 7 lived on and what roads she needed to take to avoid 7.

16 and her heart began to swell with growth and love for a simple hope.

16 danced lighter than she ever had before.

16 loved a boy who would have saved her twice if she could have said the word.

HELP.

but 16 knew 7 was a salesman and when 7 came knocking she did not want this boy to see the disaster 7 caused.

16 didn't know how to say no to the dark.

16 was so focused on the fear of that knock she forgot how to say yes to the light.

16 was free to choose and kicking him out to make room for 7 was the wrong choice. 

so one week later...

7,8, 16.

17.

17 was determined.

17 asked for help and even though the Promisers fingers were crossed, she's okay.

17 is more than okay because Gods love is strong and she's thinking she might be too because, 17 felt 7's breath in her ear and the chills it sent scurrying up her spine.

17 knew whose hand held her and she knew those fingers would never cross like the Promisers fingers did.

17 fought, but she never fought alone.

17 welcomed 18 
and 18 is so grateful she has one year between her and 7.

17 was afraid of 7.

but 18 is not.

Curious.

I keep the playlist you picked on repeat.

Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

And never skip a single song.

You sang to my favorite song.

You stumbled through the words. 

But.

You sang.

You sang.
You sang.

You asked me to sing.

and I did.

I Quietly sang along with you.

You clearly didn't hear me.


But I heard you.

I heard you.
I heard you.
I heard you.

I'm not saying we harmonized

or that we didn't.

But
I wanted it.

and that's what my soul seems to be waiting for.

Harmony and oneness and unity.

I never skip a single song,

Because.
Because.
Because.

I'm curious where your playlist will end.

Or if it's more like a pandora station.

I'm curious how much it costs a month to keep you playing.

I'm just curious.

I was just curious.

Curious.
Curious.
Curious.

4 me

This is for me because I recently discovered you're present in  everything I write and sometimes i'm not.

So, this time you're not.

Because, 

this ones for the miles i've come and the miles I'll go.

This ones for the insecurities that are 1/2 as heavy as they were last year.

 For the angel kisses on my nose that remind me i am loved by something bigger than high school.

This is for the 18 years my heart never took a break. 

 For every time I've fought back to full, and the times waxing crescent was all I could manage.

This is for the me i am and the me I've found more of these last two weeks than I ever have.

This is for my good ideas that didn't work out.

For the things I love about myself and those things i wish i could hide.

there still me no matter what i do,

 so this is for them.

This is for the facts i can't face and the dreams I wont erase.

For my soul that is always seven degrees warmer than i think.

This is for my five foot and ten inches height and the dirt under my nails.

For the me that imagines winning first place just once and the me who wishes on a star every night but never forgets to kneel to the hand which their light steams from.

This is for my veins that tend to be Southern California freeways.

For every candle i lit and each time i burnt myself in the process.

This is for the future i'm holding and past that i'm allowing to  shape me.

This is for my fingers and toes and the mountains they've reached together.

For me and my favorite purple shirt i lost last year.

This is for me because i've never written for me and maybe that just because i'm made up of other peoples influence and theories or maybe its a side effect from the mirrors never being clear enough to form a coherent thought over. 

but this is for me.

and even though, like always, you're still there.

its not for you this time.

It's for me. 

I don't know what else to do.

The last few days a cloud of despair loomed.

And I'm not going to pretend it didn't, 

or that I'm the only one who felt it.

I'm not.

This week battles were fought.

Battles were lost.

And I'm not pretending any one of us walked away from those battles unscathed.

I'm sharing what makes me happy and I'm sorry if that makes you feel sad or mad.

But know I don't do it out of ignorance. 

 I'm not sweeping these last three days under the rug.

I just don't know what else to do.

 I'm  trying to remember the happy things that have walked the brim of hell with me.

 so that I can walk it again.

Because not matter how you view these past few days,

You felt it.

The hellish sorrow and pain.

Heavens arms around the breaking and broken.

If you haven't felt heavens arms yet,

I swear they're coming. 

I swear they are.

I'm sorry if you disagree with my method of coping.

But,

 I don't know what else to do.

 I know depression is real.

I know it's easier said than done.

Sometimes it simply can't be done.

But I want to be happy.

and maybe that selfish and rude of me.

I don't know what else to do,

but remember,

What makes me happy:

This song.

When I ride my horse bareback, I never have to tell him what to do. He just feels it.

Forgiveness.

I left my Tevas outside for three weeks and they didn't get stolen.

Smiling at strangers.

The fact that my hearts a blank canvas because I've never been in love.

My rhythm of breathing when I run.

When he says my name.. he says it like it's delicate and precious.

The smell of dirt after it rains.

French fries.

Temple work and Temple workers.

Seeing Aspen leaves change colors and watching Pine trees remain evergreen.

Mr. Darcy.

also this song.

I have a clear view from my bedroom window of 2/8 peaks I've climbed.

My 8 year old hand prints on my driveway.

My older brothers smile.

The feeling of long grass beneath my bare feet. 

Cathedral windows and the stories they are able to portray in color when the light reaches them.

Change.

Helping people see their potential.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to do.

or feel.

or say.

I just want to be happy.

I swear I'll always remember Terik. and Bryce. and Devin. and Hunter. and Johnny. and all the others.

I'll remember them happy.

I'll remember them. 

Crystal.

Today I remembered the room of mirrors and that he wore his glasses. 

I remembered that nothing was ever that clear before.

I remembered that you we're never him and I was never her.

So I need you to know that today,

I let go of you.

It's taken me longer than it should have to realize I didn't do anything wrong,

and I was never the monster in your closet.

I was just me and you were just you.

My only weakness was trying to hold you close while keeping this secret an eternity closer. 

So I need you to know today,

I let go of you and us and all the potential I imagined.

Because,

Today I remembered I gave my heart to a boy almost two years ago as a gift and he still 

hasn't opened it just yet.

But it will never cease to be entirely his.

It took me one year to forget and another to remember that my hearts there and it's big.

I love you.

And I know you love me.

But you will always be you and I can't help but be me.

So I just need you to know that today,

I let go of you.

And nothing has ever been as clear as today. 

Last Year

Last year.

Started with a chanting kiss,

And ended with slipping on ice

Last year.

Nostalgia was so thick you couldn't pierce it if you tried

 Even though, Last year.

I thought I managed too.

This year.

it's still there.

Last year.

I compared myself to a wasp and believed I was.

But this year.

That wasp was swatted and squished.

Last year.

That would have broke me in two.

But this year is 2015,

And it's just water underneath our burning bridge. 

Last year.

Was only a month or so ago,

But 

This year

I feel so much newer,

And that might just be because I have freckles on my

Shoulders and hair to my collarbone.

This year.

Fits perfectly between the green stone I wear and my heart that pumps like potential in a new born baby.

This year.

This year.

It's my last year of High school. 

The nostalgia is thickening.

And that's just fine

Because I love looking back at last year.

And looking forward to this year.

Constantly

Open your blinds every night and gaze at all gods glory.

Don't sleep because you'll probably miss it if you do.

You might miss the brief moment when he looks up at the dotted night. 

And I guess it doesn't matter and you'll never know if you miss it or don't. 

But there's something painfully beautiful about waiting for something you can't know if you've missed or not. 

The both of you seeing the dark night at the same time. 

Like beautiful because it reminds you of the first and only time you laid out your entire soul for his eyes. 

For his soul. 

But this soul of a night has an infinite amount of light and you can't look away.

We won't look away.

don't look away.

And you're staring and wishing that this could have been what his soul saw that one time. 

That one time.

That maybe this is what it would have felt like.

&

Fussing and bustling .
Twisting and turning.
Coming and leaving.
              and leaving.
Cussing and crying.

Flashing photos of a night I wish never was.

Ooing and aweing.
Listening and apologizing.
Tearing and smearing.
             and smearing.
             and leaving.
Ice creaming and hiding.

Dreaming of a machine that would help me disappear.

Bumping,
Pumping,
Churning,
Dropping,
Whirling,
Damming,
Failing,
And heart aching.

I don't know why It's so shocking.
But it is.

Here I am.

If you really knew me.

you'd know each word I speak is impulsive.
I don't think enough.
You'd know that when you said "you trust me, right?"
The only thing that registered was. . .
Lock the gates.

If you really knew me.

You'd know that I'm not afraid of being wanted like I say,
I'm afraid of being vulnerable.

If you really knew me.

You'd know that every time I walk alone I'm happier.
Because every time I do,
It's Gods hand that I find.

If you really knew me.

You'd know I've kissed twice.
And the first time was on the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You'd know,
 I felt more holding his hand for 3.2 seconds than I did both times I kissed combined.

If you really knew me.

You'd know I cut 10 Inches of my hair
Because,
I wanted a fresh start, not a new hair style.

You'd know I cry At night because my mom kept that 10 inches and it scares me.
Because,
I feel like the past mistakes I made are waiting for me downstairs.

If you really knew me.

You'd know my name is Sara Elizabeth Brown and when I google search my name,
Head stones of people who died in 1849 come up.

If you really knew me,

perhaps I'd know myself that much better.

My passion

Over used.

Often confused with false love.

Passion.

The defining,

driving,

desire that makes us human.

I am passionate.

About the curl of his lips when he laughs.

I am passionate.

About the bend in his brow when he hears my heart.

I am passionate.

About his perfect marble teeth and the words they shape.

I am passionate.

Because I know if I said I love you as many times as I felt it,

he wouldn't believe it was true.

I am passionate about you.

Because, it's a step up disguised as a step down from I love you.

I remember you broke our promise.

I remember the first jump I took to save you.

I remember icy water stabbing my soul.

I remember swimming with your 'close to dead' heart in my arms.

I remember you asked me why. 

I remember my weakness's dragged us underneath at least seven times.

I remember the sound of our lungs heaving for life when we surfaced.

I remember your eyes never left the sky.

I remember your arms reached to God and asked him why.

I remember your face when we made it to shore.

I remember the first breath you took increased the color in your face almost instantly.

I remember the first shape your lips made was thank you.

and the second was goodbye. 

I remember you began to walk away from my limp body and I asked you why.

I remember your eyebrows furrowed in annoyance for my lack of strength.

I remember you offered me your hand and then pulled it away before I could grab it.

I remember I got up two days later.

I remember my lips stayed blue for a long time after that and everyone always asked me why.

I remember when I caught up to you, we swore never to go back to that deathly lake.

I remember you were alive inside and out.

I remember you forgot that promise we made just three weeks later.

I remember watching you go back to that place and God asked you why. 

I remember I forgot to take the second jump.

I remember you're still floating and freezing in that lake.

I remember you asked me to go away.

I remember asking you why.

I remember it's rained  4/7 days since then.

I remember you never cried.

I remember that every day it rained I did.

I remember you felt them fall on your cheeks. 

and you're still asking me why.

"Why do you cry?"

"Don't you remember?"

It's because..
 You wont.

Thats why.

BEST 2/3

Red Wood Worries