Choices & Accountability

I don't have much choice in the matter.
The matter that tears at my heart.
That makes church unbearable.

We've been choosing to 'try' for two years now.
24+ failures.
1 worse than the rest.

I am caught in a line at Costco where I am constantly pushed to the back.
I've been waiting longer than them.

I am jealous.

I hate that I am jealous and I hate because I am jealous.
jealous of the miracle.
hateful of my body.

I hear people talk about 'Planned parenthood' and about how it's 'Her choice'
and here I am.
falling on deaf ears, with no choice.

I was always taught to own anything and everything I did.
To do what was right.
What is right?

There seems to be so much conflict over something that there never should be conflict over.
'Thou shall not murder'

I believe we came to Earth to learn humility.
To give our agency back to God.
To learn to listen to his promptings.
After all... Who would know better?

And now there are those that are choosing their agency before they choose to take accountability for their actions.

She has a choice.
A choice to have consensual sex.
Theres always a chance.

For every action there is a consequence.
postive or negative.
But somehow this is the exception for being accountable to your decision.

Facing the consequence of 9 months and labor.
I wish I had the choice.
To carry for 9 months and be a mother.
To see my husband as a father.
to turn our empty guest room into a nursery.

I wish there were not so many adoption scams.
that more women carried their babies to full term.
Maybe then I could have a choice.

My heart aches.
I feel physical pain for what I can't choose.
Every night I dream about what it would be like to be a Mother.

Bath, story, prayer and a kiss good night.
Breast feeding, feeling a baby kick inside of my body.
my baby.
Changing diapers and knowing what its like to be uncomfortably pregnant.
Long walks trying to loose 'baby weight'
Feeling that kind of love for a little human.
New born photos, embarrassing blow outs.
Wondering if it's a boy or girl.
Telling my parents there are going to be Grandparents.

I don't know if, or when I will have the honor of being a Mother.

But I know I am loved.
I know this is not a punishment for any sin
I know God has not forsaken me.
I know Christ has been with me throughout this journey.
I know I have been spiritually carried.

I know that I am not to judge.
and I also know that God will.

I am frustrated
Heart Broken every single time I see a pregnancy announcement.
Absolutely devastated when I see 'pro choice' comments.
I am aware I am not the only women who feels  this way.

I am waiting. trying not to give up.
Hanging by a thread of hope...
That one day I will have the chance to be a Mother.

Proud

if i would have known that I was going to be happily married at 19 to the man of my dreams.
If I could have seen their intent and the fire in my heart sooner.
I would have walked away sooner, from the sandman and from fear.

But i'm still proud.
Proud I showed 300 people its okay to admit you're wrong. its okay to stumble but you need to be brave. Don't be afraid. he's not in the crowd any who and you'll have your chance. Iw ould have told myself to speak up, sooner.

Proud I had to courage to put on a beautiful dress and leave an outwardly beautiful, inside a cowardly boy. Proud I spoke my mind and stood.

And Im sorry too.
tears shed over people who don't matter now.
friendships traded for new fleeting... nothing.

If i could go back I would have been braver. I would have played more card games with my Dad and stayed in the woods a little longer. I would let my heart fall and learn. I wouldn't have locked it up. and maybe it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't lock it up. He's the only one who didn't seam to notice the bars around her. after their first kiss, neither did she. Neither  do I.

I'm still proud because I stood.
I spoke up. I went left when everyone else went right, ran a little faster than most but I'm happy and thats what counts. I'm free and I love my life.
I'm proud because despite the flames, tears and clouded fear, I made it.

I'm a wife, a sister, a daughter, and hopefully soon, a Mother.

I'll teach my children to speak their minds, to be kind and most importantly to be brave and love God.

always.

they tell you it will be difficult.

and not for any particular reason it ends up being

a fight.

not against each other but against the unexpected and against the inevitable.

a fight for freedom and  fight 5 year old chains that do not own you.

They do not own Him.
They do not own you.

we've been given everything and it only makes sense to give it all back.
In the fight.

you've got to work for a lot of things in this life.
Many of them aren't worth it.
But this one is more deserving than any other thing were going to work for.
It is everything.

Everyone falls down but none of that matters.
where are you going to go from here?
That is what matters.
If you choose to fight everyday for the rest of your life
ill fight with you.
and He will too.

Choose your love
love your choice.

I do.
Always.

I know you have chains and they've been there so long
but i know they're close to breaking
i know i love you.

He's not going to stop.
Neither am I.
Neither are you.

You and I, My love...
Because you are you
you have chains.
but who doesn't?

I dont understand a lot of the details of this life but I know i love you more than life itself.

deep breaths.
were doing great.

smile through the past and its okay if a tear slips every now and then

Ranting or not

i know we can do this.
whatever it takes i'll be there.

Always

Too Raw.

Do you know what it's like to be the new girl. 

The girl who has been bullied in the past but now.. She's just not accepted.

 Her choices are her own and she's happy with who she is. 

She doesn't wear the hottest trends. 

thats all they are to her.

 Trends.

 Fleeting phases that never leave you feeling cool enough.

 Do you know what its like to be left time and time again because you're not pretty enough to be in the photo. 

She never wanted to be in the photo she just wanted to feel like you cared. 

She does not live by man complements

if she did she would die of their criticism.

 She knows who she is and says it like it is. 

Too blunt too raw at times.

 and maybe thats why she doesn't fit in.

 She wears her emotions on her sleeves and doesn't pretend to be anyone she isn't. Thats too frightening for most 

 were taught to only speak what people want to hear and always sit up straight.

 People don't like the truth, 

sometimes neither does she,

 but she speaks it.

 To be pitty invited and second choice second call. 

To never really feel like your wanted at a party.. more like a filler. 

Do you know what its like to want the best for people and always be there when they need you, 

to ask again and again how are you..

 having everyones backs.

 now you're loosing your patience. 

No one said this was simple.

 Honest people are not meant for this place of insecurity and lust for praise. 

Do you know what its like to want to badly to be accepted by people who can't accept themselves. Impossible like running in the ocean.

 you're trying but you'll never beat the tide that pushes and pulls you. 

Do you know what that's like? 

I do. 

branches of 2013

The sooner you realize:

All those branches blurred with the stars at 50mph, were reaching out to warn you.

They didn't mean to be beautiful.

It just happened like that,

and God, he was trying to speak to you through what you hold closest.

and you took it as a sign for good.

Didn't you see how bent those tying trees were?

Bent because you went too fast

down

down

down

that starry sky.

their golden tears followed the wind of your choice.

and all you did was go

quicker

quicker

quicker

How long did you expect them to trail behind?

did you even know that

with each one of the four rubber tires spinning faster and faster

you crushed the Hand of God.

He was trying to slow you down.

But how could you?

His arms wound tight around you like a boa constrictors body forcing all life out of its prey.

and she drove.

not you.

you, although unaware, were breathing your last breaths

while she thought that you were just experiencing your very first

she tried to see.

it was so incredibly good of her.

but red lights mean stop.

but she saw no red 

only the silhouette of what she assumed was her friend living for the first time.

all the stars above us made it easier.

it made me forget that to the leafs of god,

I was not 

Jarvis

blue water
white bed
windows that are blocked by nothing and show how big this world is and how good God is.

only you and me.

First kiss seems so long ago.

as of yesterday its been a year.

I never let anyone kiss me like that before
and other than 3 exceptions.. at all
you looked like a memory and tasted like all things new and real and
oh the potential

i'm not going to do all the things i planned on
but thats ok.

we met at a dance
we were stricken over sticky fingers and bowling and twilight
we kissed. out of breath and out of our minds crazy about each other.
we spoke said i love you a little past curfew
we were sealed in the house of the lord 249 days later.

now its 370 days in and i never loved anyone more than i love you.

wavy hair and big blue eyes
a smile that our children better have
a foundation that God lives. That our family is forever. That trials bring us closer to God and each other. That plans change and that a wonderful thing.

were little. happy. the two of us.

blue water and a balcony just for you and me.
hydrangea flowers and 40 hour road trips.
one kitten who thinks she's a dog
a wedding so perfect if there weren't photographs i would have thought it was a dream

a husband that loves me so unconditionally and truly
not sure how i qualified for such a man
but God is good. and he knows what i need

I love being in love with my best friend.

I still remember

She asked for sand.

and he promised her the world. 

Now he's gone. 

And all she has left of him are things he left on accident.